The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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