I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
