if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
