he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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