This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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