i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
