My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
