You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
