Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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