see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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