I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
