Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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