I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
