Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
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I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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