Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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