dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
