I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sext me about skeletons
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
