I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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