I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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