I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
