He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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