It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
two words...techno handjob
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
