My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
