she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What drink are we having for lunch?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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