I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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