She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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