my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
