yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
