I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
