why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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