remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
