so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
