Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
