I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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