I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
