True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
