i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
