I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
