seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
