I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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