.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
