On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Two words: blizzard sex
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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