just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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