A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
