please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
