This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
