i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
bring money and cleavage
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
