Swine flu. Run for my life!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
