Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
