Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
