The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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