I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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