i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My breath smells like gin and sadness
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
