My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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