My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
