She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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