You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I said "one day" and that day is not today
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
